Sketchy-ness

I've been in this creative mood the past couple of days. Yesterday and this afternoon, I was struck with the writing bug, and this evening, it's been drawing. Go figure. This is what came out of it. I am kind of sorry it's on notebook paper...

This is one of my favorite places in the world, Pickwick Lake. <3

Don't Tell Me That

This post may sound like a bit of a rant. It's not really meant to be that or any sort of attack, but this thought has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of days, and I figured I should set it free.

It kind of started with the Taylor Swift song, "Forever and Always." (This is odd in and of itself because I detest country music, and have never really listened to Taylor Swift in the past. However, I've been on a new music kick lately, and she's found her way into my iTunes library...but, I digress.) A section of the lyric goes like this:

Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye.
We caught onto something.
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me.
Were you just kidding?
'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down.
We almost never speak.
I don’t feel welcome anymore.
Baby what happened? Please tell me
'Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re halfway out the door.
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin' at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always

So, after listening to this song a few times, I got to thinking. Where did the problem start for this couple? Well, he told her he loved her, and she believed him. I guess there's nothing wrong about that, but then he must've started acting shady because she questions his sincerity. Those three words are easy to say, and I think they're over-used. I'm sure you've read about this before, but bear with me.

As a girl, I'ma be real excited the first time those wonderful words come out of my special someone's mouth. But I don't want it to happen right off the bat. Maybe not for a while, honestly. I'll admit, I have limited experience in such relationships, but one thing I've learned is that emotions run high and things said in "the moment" aren't always genuine. And it's not like you're not going to believe him/her (okay, that's going to get really annoying really fast, so since I'm a girl, it's going to say "him" from here on out. Not trying to be sexist or anything; it's just easier. If you want to replace it with "her" in your individual reading, be my guest.) when he tells you he loves you. Here's a note to my future husband: Please don't tell me you love me until you know what it means.

What does it mean to truly love someone? I asked this question in a Facebook status earlier tonight and got a few answers like service, quality time, communication, and encouragement. All these are marks of a healthy relationship. I can't think of any happy couple I know (dating, engaged, or married) that doesn't practice these things.

Love isn't just that squishy feeling. Love is hard. I think we come to realize that as we grow up. I'm not easy to love because I'm a fallen human. I am selfish, I think the world revolves around me, I am insecure, I am vain, I am manipulative, I overanalyze everything, I am impatient, and I am stubborn, just to name a few of my less desirable qualities. If you're going to love me, you're going to have to deal with all those things. Love is not easy. So now tell me, will you love me despite all that? I don't believe you can love a person until you really know them. My mom always told my sister and me that you have to take time to observe before you get into a relationship with someone; you have to see how they react in different situations. Is he sensible? Is he consistent? Is he honest when he makes a mistake?

Possible future husband, before you tell me you love me, show me. You ought to know by now that I'm difficult. If you've decided to pursue me anyway, don't think it's always going to be a joy ride. Don't say it unless you mean it. If you're not willing to listen to me whine, don't tell me you love me. If I don't feel like I can talk to you about anything, don't tell me you love me. If you won't call me on it when I'm out of line, don't tell me you love me. If you're not making a daily effort to be patient, kind, humble, selfless, and considerate, don't tell me you love me-or anyone else for that matter. I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. Don't feel like this is an attack on you. If I ask it of you, rest assured that I'm giving my all to reciprocate. When I tell you I love you, it will mean I'm trying to grow in all these areas as well. Know that I will listen when you need an ear to hear you whine. Know that I will be there for you to lean on when you're struggling. Know that I will let you know when you overstep your bounds. If we're not willing to do all these things, it's not going to work, so let's save us both the trouble and heartache and don't go there if this doesn't seem feasible.

"Let love be genuine..." Romans 12:9

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

New Year, Old Lessons

I've started a new semester this week, which is a little overwhelming. There was snow (and it is still on the ground, actually) the first part of the week, so we didn't start classes until Wednesday. Spring semester always makes me twitchy for some reason. Though we've really only started winter, thoughts of springtime, sunshine, and flip-flops will start infiltrating my head in the next few weeks. After this semester, I'll be finished with English classes for the rest of my life-an exciting realization. I'm also a working girl this year, working the front desk of my dorm. I'll be looking forward to visits from my friends on the nights I work (hint, hint) as well as getting some homework done (ha-ha).

I am determined to be more focused this semester, more focused on my studies as well as my spiritual life. I'm a little over a year old now, and I've been facing some darkness lately that's spilled over from other areas of my life. I've been back in the States for about a week and a half after my first overseas trip. I learned a lot from the people in our city, and a lot about them. It was an eye-opening experience for sure. Not only that, but it was one of the most challenging. I'm learning an old lesson over and over-my joy and my strength must come from God alone. No human being-no matter how wonderful they are, how spiritual they are, how encouraging they are-can be the source of my happiness. It's so easy to have those friends from whom I draw strength and encouragement and to start relying on them to make me smile. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being with people you love, but when all that falls apart, there's got to be a solid place to stand. So often, I forget this truth and put more effort into my relationships with certain people that I do into my (much more important) relationship with the One who is strength and love and grace and mercy. He is everything I need.

One of the most difficult things I experienced on this trip was losing my Bible. The morning we left our city had already been rough for me spiritually (among other things), and I spent the majority of the plane ride in tears, questioning God's plan in all of it. I was really struggling with some very personal things, and I felt He was not being fair to me. Distracted as I was with my little pity party, I failed to realize that I'd left my Bible on the plane until we'd gotten to our hotel and were preparing to go to lunch. I was already feeling a lot of pressure and stress simply from being tired, but at that moment, I felt I was drowning. It may sound silly, but I felt my Bible was the last thing I had to cling to. Human relationships were falling short of what I needed and God felt so far away. I broke down for fully twenty minutes before I could get myself off the floor and pull together. My Bible felt like the only thing keeping me afloat in all that was trying to draw me in over my head. I know this might sound silly to some. I do realize it's a material possession that is easily replaced, but this particular Bible contained all the notes I'd taken since I got legit. It was like losing my sword, feeling unprepared to go to battle, insufficiently protected against spiritual warfare. This was when I began to see exactly how true it was that I could not go this alone. I could not draw on the people around me; I needed Him so desperately. I'm a hard-headed person, so it often takes something drastic to get my attention. Mission accomplished, God. That's all I have to say about that.

The best part of the trip was getting to share my faith. This country's government has a reputation for being very closed to the gospel, but we were able to share more openly than I'd expected. We had a bit of a scare about a week into our stay, but God was faithful in protecting and comforting all of us, and me personally, despite my lack of faith. He remains faithful and sovereign. Always. Something that struck me was how blind these people are. In some cases, it's tradition or government or some other outside factor, but some have blinded themselves. A common answer to the question of beliefs is "I believe in myself," or "I don't believe anything." Having been raised in a Christian home and environment, I was dumbstruck by these statements. I honestly didn't know what to do with them. They believe nothing? How can you believe nothing? Being that it was Christmas time, we asked our friends about their festivals and shared a lot about our Christmas traditions, which opened the door to share the gospel. Many of them had never heard the Christmas story. As many times as I told the story, I never grew tired of it. I got to be the first to tell why we celebrate Christmas and to share with them that God is not the god of the West or the god or the East or the North or the South, but He is the God of the whole world and all its people.

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord... 2 Corinthians 4:3-5a


*pray for those blinded by the god of this world
*pray for students starting a new year
*pray for me as I learn (that I would actually learn and apply)