Brokenhearted for the smart people

Intelligent people "less likely to believe in God"

This is really tearing me up right now, guys; I'm literally on the verge of tears. It makes me so very sad to see that people deemed intelligent are turning away from the gospel because they've gotten "too smart" for God. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:3-4: "...if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God" (emphasis mine).

Satan has used the gift of great intelligence with which God has blessed these people to convince them that He is simply the main character in a great fairy story. Science and reason can explain everything anymore, so what need is there for God? Maybe I'm naive, but I can't look at the world we live in without seeing God everywhere. Matter of fact, I can't get past how intricately He made me, so I really don't have to go that far to see evidence of a Creator.

"Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts[...]because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen." Romans 1:22-25 (emphasis mine)

This humanistic intelligence essentially says that we are our own god because we have outsmarted and out-thought Him. Religion becomes superstition in the revelation of enlightenment, and God becomes a frayed, ragged safety blanket clung to by those of us who are not educated enough to know any better. If you ask me, they've got more faith than I do for sure. I think it takes a lot more faith to believe that there is no God than to believe that there's Someone out there holding the universe in the span of His hand.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart.' Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." 1 Corinthians 1:18-25 (emphasis mine)

God was kinda cheeky in my opinion when He made it so we can't get to Him through our own means, by our own power, and via our own wisdom. He is known by faith in Christ, not through reason and science. Certainly we see God through these avenues, but that's now how we know Him. It might not make sense to our tiny human brains, but that's the way God wanted it.

With acknowledgement of a higher power comes responsibility to that higher power, and humans don't like that. I'll readily admit to being one of them, but part of the beauty of the gospel is this: when you follow Christ and surrender fully to His will, you are free in Him. You're no longer bound to the weight of you and the junk you carry around. It's freedom. If that makes me unintelligent, so be it. I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause.

(I really never intend to write this much, and I've got a lot more to say, but I need to sleep. I guess I'm just opinionated. Best be bracing for the backlash to come. =P)

Passport or Textbooks?

I LOVE to travel. I think that’s a desire God has given me because it’s part of what I’ll be doing in my life. I get impatient sitting around my room like I am now because I know there’s a great big beautiful world out there just waiting to be explored. I also know that same world is full of hurting people who don’t know Christ.

I just want to go. I know God has called me to missions in some way, and given my love for languages and travelling to far-off places, I feel like it’s going to be on the foreign field. At the top of my list are places like New Zealand, Ireland, Australia, Italy, Greece, Spain, Portugal, India, Costa Rica, South Africa, Brazil…I could go on and on. If God chose not to place me in any of these countries permanently, I’d at least love to see some of them before I die. I don’t know where I’m going-not in the next year, and certainly not in the next ten years.

God has this way of only revealing things to us piece-by-piece because the big picture would overwhelm us, I think. He must smile a little when I come to Him, demanding to see it all right now. At the moment, I’m in one of those places where I feel like He’s about to show me another piece soon. I’m fairly certain I’m on-schedule to graduate this May, which means I’ve got to be thinking about what I’m going to do once I’m through college. With my Biblical Studies major and calling to the mission field, seminary seemed like the logical choice. (Here’s a hint, folks. In case you didn’t know, God doesn’t really work based on our logic.) Now I’m not so sure. I’ve begin weighing the options, making lists of pros and cons. Do I really need an M.Div to serve God? Should I take a year off and travel or do mission work through a missionary society? Journeyman? Should I just get involved with an international ministry and forget seminary altogether?

I’m surprised at the fact that I’m not freaking out yet, but I feel that’s God’s hand in all this. He’s going to let me in on things when I need to know. Like Gandalf (he-he): A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to!

Happy Birthday, Blog!

Okay, so maybe I missed it by a couple of weeks...

Regardless, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I haven't totally forgotten about it and shelved it for eternity! Honestly, I've had a lot to say lately, just not enough time to say it. But, I got up early-ish today so I could accomplish some things, and those things having been accomplished, I have a little time to write!

Summer is going by far too quickly for my taste. I am ready to be back at Blue Mountain, but only to see my friends. I'd like to forget the fact that going back to school actually means going back to school. It's a good thing I'm looking at graduating this year; I'm not sure I could take this "senioritis" thing for much longer than that. Summers have changed a lot since high school; my whole family works now, so it's no longer about planning things on my dad's vacation. We have to co-ordinate four separate and drastically different work schedules to get any semblance of "family vacation." I did get to go out for ice cream with my dad a couple of weeks ago, just him and me. ^_^

Before I head to the Mountain, I'm planning to pitch a tent in the back yard, so I can say I went camping at least once this summer. That used to be our family's "thing," loading up the truck and van to camp at Rough River State Park and take the boat out on the lake. Many, many good memories up there. =] I'd also like to have a bonfire before the summer is over, but seeing as we live next to a subdivision and a fire station, I'm not sure how well that would go over.

Online classes continue to haunt my daily existence. This is week four of two eight-week classes I'm taking through Campbellsville University. Long story, but it's been a nightmare trying to get these things in order. Lots of busywork as well, which is highly irritating. My repeated mantra lately is "earlygraduationearlygraduationearlygraduation!"

Still Here!

I tend to appear as though I've fallen off the face of the earth come summertime, but I am posting to assure you that this is not the case. I don't like to write about the day-to-day very often, but I'm going to be vain and assume that you might be somewhat interested in my slightly mundane summer existence. Ha-ha.

I'm living at home for the summer, excepting at least one trip to Memphis for the wedding of two very special people in my life (Charlie and Audrey, collectively known as "Chaudrey"). Looking forward to this with great anticipation. I adore summer road trips.

While I'm home, I'll be lifeguarding at a swim club in town six days a week. This is my third summer as a lifeguard, and I can't think of a better job. I'll admit, the tan lines aren't the greatest sometimes, but at least there *are* tan lines. Ha-ha. The weather has been a bit bipolar lately (brownie points if you know the song! ^_^), so the water is quite...ah...refreshing? I'm gonna brag a little now, if you don't mind. Last Thursday, I made my very first jump-in save. It was pretty exciting stuff. A girl jumped off the diving board into some very cold water and freaked, so I went in after her. I almost had a second save, but another guard (we'll call him "Thor") happened to be walking by and got to him first. Poor little guy had oh-so timidly hopped off the board and I knew he was going to need help before his head broke the surface.

So that's my summer so far. I'll try to be a little more insightful later on.

Some other miscellaneous items:

1) my UBS Greek New Testament arrived about a week ago, so I'm having tons of fun studying it.

2) I adore driving backroads in the county with the windows down 'cause it lets in the summer air that smells like...

3) honeysuckle! If you've never smelled honeysuckle, you're missing out. It's basically the smell of summer.

4) speaking of things that smell like summer, I must confess that I have a love for the scent of line-dried laundry, and the smell you get when you combine sunscreen, chlorine, and just a little bit of sunshine. It's kind of wonderful.

5) I don't think I mentioned my decision to become a baseball fan this summer... I arrived at my decision to support the St. Louis Cardinals logically and geographically. I'm about the same distance from Cincinnati and St. Louis, and I have a rule that says I *never* go north, so St. Louis was the obvious choice. My baseball cap arrived on the same day as my GNT, so yours truly was a very happy camper.

6) I'm experimenting in new music this summer. After watching I Am Number Four and hearing their music on the soundtrack, I found Adele and Civil Twilight. Fell asleep listening to Adele last night, but it's some pretty good stuff so far. Civil Twilight is on the agenda for this afternoon.

Lunch Date with Peter

First Peter, that is. =]

Truly Satisfied

So, these epiphanies are wonderful, but it'd be nice if they'd come when I wasn't in such dire need of sleep. Anyway, bear with me because my brain, while it is processing at an alarming rate, is not prone to sense-making right now.

Something Platt talked about in Secret Church really stood out to me. It was a little thing, but I've been mulling it over all day. I wish I could find the page it was on, but after searching the book from back to front and front to back, I have had no luck. The gist of it was this: you struggle not because your fleshly desires are too strong, but because they are weak and you are too easily pleased. Your desires are quickly met in the flesh. Long for the things of the Spirit and your desire will become strong for what really satisfies.

Like the woman at the well (in John chapter 4), I turn to worldly things to find meaning, fulfillment, validation. Granted, I've not been married five times, but I've certainly played the harlot, chasing after earthly things that will not satisfy. Sooner or later money, success, human relationships, good grades, whatever-these things will run out. You will come to the end and you will no longer be happy with more, more, more because there will be no more. The well you have dug for yourself will run dry, but you will still be dehydrated. They're great for the moment, certainly. No one would complain about having a hundred extra dollars lying around. It feels good to be recognized for your hard work. Having that special someone can send you over the moon with happiness. But temporal things will fail you. They will come to an end and they will not satisfy that deep longing in your heart. I know you feel it too.

Jesus tells the woman at the well that He knows of a source of living water that will never run dry. That source is Jesus Himself. Jesus is God and God is infinite. It's impossible for our puny human brains to comprehend infinite. Just try it. Think about forever. It doesn't end. It's not just a really long time, then it's over. It's never over. Got a headache yet? Knowing Jesus is the only thing that satisfies. It's not because when we reached the bottom of the well our thirst was quenched; it's because we can't reach the bottom of the well.

Instead of being satisfied with what's easy, set your mind on getting to know Jesus more. He will not disappoint. I was kind of a heathen this morning and fell asleep during the service at my church (on Easter... Yes, I know I'm a horrible Christian, blah, blah, blah. There's this thing called "grace," and I believe in it...), so I decided I'd listen to parts four and five of Matt Chandler's series on Ultimate Authority on my drive back to school. Now, these messages deal with confrontation and church discipline-topics we don't go to for a "happy-feel-good" sermon. But simply hearing the Word preached and spending time in meditation on what I'd heard was fellowshipping with God. I've got a six-hour drive between school and home, and this one was probably the best yet. I just had wonderful communion with my Lord through hearing the Word and singing along to my iPod. I've been in an awesome mood all night just because of spending time with Jesus. He alone satisfies in His infinite, unending depths.

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. John 4:14

But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more? Galatians 4:9

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. Colossians 1:9-10

(I never intend to write this much...)

Where Does One Begin?

So I just got home from the special simulcast of Secret Church. I've got a 142-page notebook of truth and doctrine that is still blowing my mind. My plan is to make a study of it once I'm through the book of 1 John, so I'm sure there will be more posts about, but here's what I was thinking on the way home.

The beauty of the gospel is such that it does not fade or grow old with time. It is difficult to grow bored with the gospel. Rather, the more we gaze into it, the more we study its complexities and facets, the more we see exactly how much we do not understand. Instead of driving us away, however, this spurs us on in our desire to know God more.

I remember the first time I heard John Piper preach. I had the opportunity to attend Passion 2010 in Atlanta, Georgia, and Piper was one of the speakers. I had just gotten "legit" (as I like to put) it in October of 2009, and this was day 89 of my new life with Christ. I was (and still am in many ways) just a baby. I'd never heard of this view of God he was teaching. A self-centered, glory-concerned God just sounded awfully selfish to me. Wasn't He supposed to be about loving us, His creation? Wasn't He supposed to be about blessing me? My eyes were opened to the error of my thinking. God is about His own glory. Does He have this right? Umm...yes. He is the supreme sovereign God who created the universe; He can do what He wants.

I'd been doing okay this far into the conference, taking great notes in the sessions with Louie Giglio, Beth Moore, and Francis Chan (I kind of fell asleep during Andy Stanley's talk...ha.), but Piper blew me away. I just sat there in shock. I'd never heard this before and I was having difficulty processing. God was opening my baby Christian mind to huge truths that I wasn't ready for. He knew by showing me all this that it would give me a desire for more. And desire I did. When we met with our family groups afterward, I snapped out of shock and just wept. I don't understand. I want to understand was all I could say. I didn't have any spiritual teeth yet and God had just slapped me upside the head with a steak.

Since this experience, He has taught me more about Himself than I ever thought there was to know, and He just keeps going. Our God is unknowable, yet He invites us to know Him. Chew on that for a minute. We can never exhaust the depths of His character and attributes, yet we are blessed beyond measure when we spend time with Him.

Again, it's late. My brain is mush after tonight, so I apologize if this lacks sense in some places. Time for some sleep. There's more to come, you can be sure.

Hope you have a blessed day. =]

Disjointed Confessions

I don’t want Him enough. I can’t put it any other way. I say this out of frustration with myself. I want to want Him more, but I’m so easily distracted by other things. You know how it goes, you get into a really good book study and you’re beginning to understand things and…I was starting 1 John about two months ago—taking it slow, practicing my Greek, reading commentaries, writing good notes—when I simply allowed myself to be pulled away. When I’m in the Word, I crave it; I feel lost the first few days when I’m straying, but then it becomes easier and easier until I’m doing just fine without it. The truth is, that’s when I’m at my worst. It’s like this Chinese guy told me once about ping-pong (and you know how serious they are about ping-pong in China…): don’t practice for one day and you know it; don’t practice for two days and your opponent knows it; don’t practice for a week and everyone knows it.

I’m not okay without Jesus. I’m poor, wretched, naked, and blind without Jesus. Friend, you’re not okay without Jesus. We’ve got to stop pretending we can handle it ourselves. We’re fallen, far from perfect, missing the mark day after day, falling short, incapable-however you want to put it. We can’t do life without Jesus. These distractions are idols in disguise. They draw us away into worshipping them before we even realize what’s happening. One of my biggest idols is academia. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you I’ve got a thing for getting good grades. I would consider it utter failure to fall below a B in any class. I require excellence of myself in my schoolwork, so why don’t I apply that to my relationship with Christ? Why don’t I see it as utter failure when I haven’t spent time with my Savior in days?

Here’s something to think about: relationships are formed and developed through dialogue. (See, Mom and Dad, here’s something I’m learning from my Theatre minor!) If He’s talking and you’re not listening, there’s no development going on. If you’re not talking, zilch, zero. Here’s something else to think about: check out the language of this verse in 1 John. “…whoever says he abides in Him ought to walk in the same way in which He walked.” My Greek professor translates it this way. It’s a little more difficult to read, but he really gets the feel and action of the verbs. “The one who goes on claiming to abide in Him has a continuing obligation just as that One lived even he himself to go on walking.” If I claim Christ, I have an obligation to be continually striving to live as He lived. How is that? Pursuing of the will of the Father (John 6:38; 5:30; 4:34). Living a holy life (1 Peter 1:15-16). There is so much more I could say, but it’s late and I’m tired. We are to live like Christ by portraying faith, love, obedience to the Father, self-sacrifice, holiness, and the limitless list of His characteristics. You think this is impossible? Yes, it is impossible alone. We can’t do it without God’s grace. Lucky for us, He gives if we ask. Check out James 4:1-10 for more on that. I’m goin’ to get some shut-eye after He and I spend some time talking.

Whosoever, then, really perceives what fellowship with God is, will be satisfied with it alone, and will no more burn with desires for other things. - John Calvin on 1 John 1:4

Miscellany

Just a few things happening in my life (since I haven't posted in a while...)

I got glasses over Spring Break. This was a great blow to my pride as I have considered myself to have good vision until now. But since I had become one step more near-sighted since last year, I thought it might be time to lay down that pride and improve my vision.

Tell me what you think. I'm still not one hundred percent sure how I feel about this...




For English Literature II this semester, Dr. Betty decided to give a novel test instead of having to grade eighty-some papers. She gave us a choice between two novels: Pride and Prejudice or Great Expectations. Now, my first thought was to re-read Pride and Prejudice. In high school, I had read the book, been involved in the play, and watched the Keira Knightly version of the movie time and time again (as well as the Bollywood version, Bride and Prejudice). So clearly, the smart thing to do would have been re-read Pride and Prejudice and take that test, right? Right. But when have I been known to do the smart thing? Being the overachieving homeschooled kid that I am, I decided I wanted a challenge, so I read Great Expectations. Rather, I attempted to read Great Expectations.

This is the second time I've taken a shot at Great Expectations. You remember those Great Illustrated Classics novels you read when you were a kid? You didn't? Really? Oh, okay...Anyway...I tried reading an abridged, illustrated adaptation of both Great Expectations and A Tale of Two Cities sometime around middle school and gave up on both about halfway through, so I knew this would be a challenging undertaking. Though we were given the entire first half of the semester to read the book, I waited until the week before spring break to begin, thinking I would get through it over the break. Wrong. I wound up falling asleep on Wednesday night/Thursday morning of the test with nearly eighty pages to go. I've decided not to finish the book for a while, simply out of spite. Take that, Charles Dickens! Certainly, one day, I will repent and finish the last eighty pages, but that day is not today. Or tomorrow.


As I write this, my friend Matt is visiting. This is our friendship, summarized...

Days 23-27

Day 23-give pictures of five guys who are famous who you find attractive

I'm too lazy to find pictures, so I'll just list a few, okay?

1. Orlando Bloom
2. Hayden Christensen
3. Kristian Stanfill
4. Tom Welling
5. Phil Wickham

Day 24-your favorite movie and what it's about

I have many favorite movies, and am tempted just to write "Lord of the Rings; read the book," but I will refrain from snarkiness this once and choose August Rush.

August Rush is about a boy (Evan) who is separated from his parents at birth. His dad actually doesn't know he exists (it was sort of a one-night stand...) until nearly the end of the movie. Both Evan's parents (Lila and Louis) are musicians, and he has a gift for hearing music in the strangest of places. He believes that music will bring his family back together, but he's stuck in a boys' home in rural New York, so he runs away to New York City in search of his parents. You'll have to watch the movie to find out what happens. He-he. It's got a great soundtrack that you'll never tire of listening to.

Day 25-someone who fascinates you and why

Dr. Bain. Why not? Dr. Bain is one of our Biblical Studies professors at Blue Mountain. He teaches Greek, Church History, The Bible and Missions, and The Bible and Ethics, as well as other courses that escape my memory. Dr. Bain is basically brilliant. His students have given him the nickname "Greek Ninja," and I'm convinced he's this galaxy's incarnation of Yoda. The other day when I was following him to his office to make up a Greek test, I just got the weirdest feeling that this is what it would be like for a Padawan learner to follow around his Jedi Master (yes, that was my exact thought. You should already know I'm a huge nerd...judge me).

Dr. Bain is brilliant beyond what I can express here. I'm fairly certain he thinks in Greek. The stories he's told in class about hiking in the mountains and encountering bears...the man carries bear spray. Bear spray! Who needs bear spray? He's told one story about when he was carrying two cans and ran out of bear spray, so he prayed the whole way back that he wouldn't run into a bear because then he'd have to beat it with his hiking stick (which he keeps in his office, in case you were wondering).

If you thought he couldn't get any cooler...his son's nickname is Tank. I've driven by their house to see him in the back yard playing with an Indiana Jones-style whip. His son also knows a little Mando'a. (Those of you who don't know what that is are missing out. Google it and be educated.)

At the risk of sounding psycho, I'm going to stop here by saying that Dr. Bain is just plain awesome and kind of inspires my inner nerd.

Day 26-what kind of person attracts you?

acts like Jesus
confident but not arrogant
genuine and honest
compassionate but not a doormat
knows what he believes and sticks by it
gentle but not a pushover
willing to listen to me whine, then make me get on with things
patient
a leader but not a dictator
loves the Lord with his whole being
funny and kinda nerdy

Day 27-a problem that you have had

I am terribly inconsistent. I have a bad habit of starting thing that I forget about until days or weeks later (as evidenced clearly by my blogging record...), then picking them back up again for a while and leaving off again after a few weeks of actual progress. I'm this way with working out too; I'd been doing well before spring break, but since then I may have logged five miles on the treadmill.

I make excuses for my inconsistency solely to justify not feeling terribly about it. For instance, I've just started a job waitressing at the café down the hill from my school, so I've been counting that as exercise this week. Now that I feel substantially guilty about slacking in these specific areas, the frequency of my working out and my blogging will more than likely increase...at least for a little while...

Days 18-22

Day 18-your beliefs

I believe everything written in the Holy Word of God. I take the Bible as my moral standard, and every view I hold to ought to line up with what it says. Maybe you think that's radical, but it's God's best for us as human. It's not meant to subdue us, but to guide us. I believe in God the Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I believe in the virgin birth, the perfect life, literal death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. I believe He's coming back for His children one day in the not-so-distant future. I believe it is my purpose to live a life glorifying to God in everything I do.

Day 19-disrespecting your parents

Okay, this is kind of random...

All I know is I got in trouble when I tried to cop an attitude with my mom and dad, and it usually involved a spanking or grounding. They're usually right. More often than not. Almost always... Wait, are we talking disrespect or disobedience? They're similar but not the same. Disrespect is just irritating. I know I did it a lot as a kid, so I feel I can comment. It's annoying. You're not funny, and you're not cute. So don't. You just look like a little twit.

Day 20-how important you think education is

Loaded question... Education is definitely a must. I don't necessarily agree with the whole let's-put-our-kids-in-school-all-day mentality, but it's a disservice to allow children to grow up ignorant. Everyone learns in different ways, so I think kids ought to be given the choice to learn in the way that most benefits them. It's important to go into life with a good bit of knowledge.

That's really all I have to say about that.

Day 21-one of your favorite shows

Smallville ^_^

Been watching since season one because my best friend was absolutely enthralled with Tom Welling at the time.

Day 22-how have you changed in the past 2 years?

Wow...from seventeen to nineteen. This time two years ago, I was a senior in high school, working my first "real" job, and trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Now I'm a junior in college who's still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. A lot has changed, though...a whole lot. I've grown up in more ways than I ever imagined. In high school, I thought myself ready for a boyfriend and grew frustrated when he didn't magically materialize. Now, I understand that I was not at all prepared for that kind of relationship. As a senior, I thought I was pretty clever and world wise. I've learned that I still need guidance on a fairly regular basis. At seventeen, I believed I was immortal, invincible. I've realized I'm not so invulnerable. It's a strange thing to experience the beginnings of the aches and pains for which I've teasingly ridiculed my parents. I thought I was a growing Christian at seventeen; I'd just hit a rough patch. Now I know it was a signal to me that I had never truly given myself over to Christ.

I'd say the majority of the changes have been for the better. I went through a pink hair phase the first month or two of college, but once I'd experienced a little rebellion, I settled in to a relatively responsible lifestyle. I'm not saying I've arrived. Just ask my roommate-I do dumb things all the time. This is the reason that, when she found me crying to our suitemate in the floor a couple of weeks ago, I prefaced my explanation with "You're gonna be mad at me. *beat, beat* I'm not pregnant!" So, though my skills of judgment have progressed greatly in the last two years, they're still sometimes inhibited by some glitch in my brain.

I'm working the desk and I'm reeeeeally tired. I'll catch up eventually. That's all for now.

Days 14-17

Day 14-your earliest memory

I've got a vague recollection of the Mesker Park Zoo involving giant birdcages, but I'm not sure when it's from. I remember playing Little Mermaid with my sister and our cousins in the the eighteen-inch-deep swimming pool we set up in our backyard every summer. Snapshots of my great-grandparents' house are in the back of my mind as well, but again, I don't know how old I was. My sense of chronology is a little weird. I blame it on being home schooled. No, honestly, I do. I figure maybe if I'd had a different teacher every year when I was in elementary school, I could associate events with that and have a better idea of when things happened.

Day 15-your favorite Tumblrs

I included Tumblrs and blogs...

A Girl Waiting
Reform the Line
More Inklings
Serving Him Blind

Day 16-your views on mainstream music

In case you couldn't tell from Day 11, I do listen to a wide variety of music. I'm kind of frustrating to some people who ask me what kind of music I like because I really can't categorize well. Often, I can hear a song that I like and be completely unable to tell you who sings it or what it's called. Mainstream music, however... Believe it or not, I'm choosy about what I listen to. Some popular music will catch my attention, but I also like music that might not be so well-known. Basically, if it sounds good and has good lyrics, I probably like it.

Day 17-your highs and lows of this past year

October 2009-getting legit
February-May 2010-falling head over heels for the first time
April 2010-the birth of a beautiful little girl to my aunt and uncle
May-July 2010-waiting and hoping for contact with a certain someone, but growing personally
June-July 2010-building relationships with and pouring into campers
August 2010-freaking out in the transition stage between camp, home, and school
September 2010-October 2010-coming out stronger on the other side of heartache
November 2010-December 2010-having "normal" jacked out from under me and learning to adjust, amazing international experience, losing my Sword, learning to lean on God
January 2011-dealing with disappointment once again, but knowing where to turn
February 2011-being stretched and tested and mostly coming out unscathed
March 2011-who knows? =]

Days 08-13

Day 08-a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life

I'm generally a discontent kind of person, but every now and then, things seem to be in place for a while. I can't think of anything specific; I'm really satisfied when I've gotten all my homework completed and I get to go to bed early or when I have a this-is-what's-been-going-on-lay-it-all-out-and-how-are-you conversation with a good friend.

Day 09-how you hope your future will be like

Full of adventure, love, and challenge. I don't want my life to be boring. I know I complain and freak out when unexpected things come my way, but I think I'm learning to lean on God for a better way to handle them.

Day 10-discuss your first love and first kiss

See #20 in Day 06...

Day 11-put your iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up

1. Good Love Is On the Way-John Mayer
2. In Christ Alone-Owl City
3. Let Me Love You-Josh Wilson
4. All These Things That I've Done-The Killers
5. Dhoom Taana-Om Shanti Om
6. Eyes-Stellar Kart
7. Essengo-Selah
8. Testify-Joy Whitlock
9. Bilbo's Song-Howard Shore
10. Gitana-Shakira

Day 12-bullet your whole day

-7:00 a.m. Wake up
-7:05 a.m. Roll out of bed and start getting dressed
-7:09 a.m. Grab some Frosted Flakes and V-Fusion for breakfast
-7:15 a.m. Call and make sure Nathan is awake
-7:16 a.m. Finish getting ready to go to Garrett
-7:30 a.m. Stumble over to Garrett
-8:00 a.m. Lead stretches and vocal warmups
-8:15 a.m. Start getting into character, run lines, and get into costume and makeup
-9:00 a.m. Gather with other cast and crew in the organ room for pre-show pep talk and prayer
-9:15 a.m. Try not to lose breakfast
-9:30 a.m. The lights go up!
-12:05 p.m. Get out of costume and makeup, wait for notes
-12:30 p.m. Run to Café 108 for lunch. Try to read for Old Testament
-1:00 p.m. Walk up the hill to class to try and finish reading before 1:30
-1:30 p.m. Old Testament
-2:30 p.m. Get back over to Garrett for voice lab
-2:45 p.m. Find out voice lab is cancelled. Go to dorm room.
-3:00 p.m. Take a nap
-5:00 p.m. Wake up from nap, eat a suspiciously soggy quesadilla, dress for church
-5:45 p.m. Arrive at church
-6:30 p.m. Listen to Charlie teach from John 1:16-17
-7:25 p.m. Head back to Whitfield to study for Greek
-8:00 p.m. Get distracted by Facebook, Blogspot, etc.
-8:30 p.m. Repent and start studying again
-9:00 p.m. John Samuel shows up for English Literature homework (finally...)
-11:00 p.m. Fall asleep while John Samuel reads the introduction to John Keats
-11:07 p.m. Wake up and finish reading. Write one-page essay in response to reading.
-12:00 a.m. Head upstairs to bed

Day 13-somewhere you'd like to move or visit

Where to begin? Oh, where to begin? I think I could be happy living anywhere, and I'd love to at least see all of these places before I die.

England
Ireland
Scotland
Australia
Italy
Spain
Portugal
Costa Rica
South Africa
India
China
all 50 states (visit them all, not live in them all!)
Great Smokey Mountains
Rocky Mountains
New York City
I'm sure I could think of more. It's always been a dream of mine to travel the world, and I hope to realize that someday. As Mrs. Gibbs says, "I just think that once in your life before you die, you ought to see a country where they don't talk in English and don't even want to." (Our Town is on the brain, let me tell you...)

Day 07

Day 07-Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Well, honestly, I don't give much credit to the stars for knowing about me...

This is also a good place, I think, to admit that I've kind of failed at the whole writing every day thing...Ha-ha.

I'll play a little catch-up over the next couple of days. Right now, I'm chillin'.

Day 06

Day 06-write 30 interesting facts about yourself

Argh...

1. I'm slightly insane when given Vanilla Coke.
2. My children will play in the woods with sticks and lightsabers, not sit in front of the TV or computer screen.
3. I can wiggle my left ear, but not my right.
4. I've only been out of the country once. (So far...)
5. I like to yell at people out my second-story dorm room window.
6. I'm a huge nerd. Huge.
7. I love languages: Spanish, Greek, Elvish, Portuguese, Gaelic. If it sounds pretty, I probably want to study it.
8. I fall over a lot for no reason.
9. Daisies and lilies are my favorite flowers.
10. When I was in kindergarten and elementary school, I was convinced I should have been born a boy.
11. Green is my favorite color.
12. I don't eat fruits or vegetables unless coerced.
13. My taste in music ranges from Bach and Mozart to Lecrae and Tedashii. I need music for every occasion, and I think life would be a lot cooler if it had a soundtrack.
14. I'm meaner than I look.
15. I'm a lifeguard terrified of drowning.
16. I prefer hot chocolate over coffee.
17. I believe in Elves. Judge me.
18. I'd love to live in a tree house.
19. I can say "thank you" in 10 languages.
20. I've never been kissed.
21. I dislike even numbers.
22. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. Fall is beautiful, but it means winter is coming. I hate the cold.
23. I have a favorite freckle.
24. I could be happy living just about anywhere except maybe a big, inescapable city. I'd definitely prefer out in the middle of the woods, but still close enough to civilization.
25. <-I don't think I'll live to see this age.
26. I talk to myself all the time.
27. I named my car Rhavaniel, which means "wild" in Sindarin Elvish.
28. I decided to make this one last...for no good reason.
29. I've never seen "The Little Mermaid" or "Sleeping Beauty" all the way through.
30. I can list all 50 states without looking at a map or singing the song.

Day 05

Day 05-a time you thought about ending your own life

Definitely should have read over these before I started the challenge...Very few people know about this, but I'm the one who wanted to write every day for thirty days, so I'll take what's given me.

In high school, I went through bouts with depression, especially in the winter and at the beginning of every new year. January 2006 was really rough for me. I'd screwed up and thought I'd done irreparable damage to my relationship with my parents, so I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work, but looking back, I can see how that was the enemy trying to take me out before I really knew the Lord. I'm not gonna lie and say it's all been hunky-dory since He saved me, but my relationship with Christ is the one thing I know will never let me down no matter how badly I screw up. I have a hope I didn't know before. Coming back from my overseas Christmas trip was a difficult experience as well. I never contemplated suicide, but it was hard to function for the first week or so, but God was there to lift me out of it when I struggled to see the light.

Day 04

Day 04-Your views on religion

I'm gonna take this as "faith" just because "religion" carries certain connotations that I'm not a fan of. I was raised by Christian parents, and came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ a little over a year ago. Faith has always played a big part in my life. I would be totally empty without it. It's not a huge part of my life; it is my life. Without my relationship with Christ, I would have little reason to exist aside from my own selfish ambition. (Not that I don't veer off on that road every now and then, but that's another story for another time.) I make it my life's goal to glorify Christ in all I do. If you want to call that "religion," I guess that's up to you. I call it a lifestyle.

Side-note: I'm really excited to see people from outside of Mississippi, Kentucky, and Tennessee dropping in on my blog. It just makes my heart happy. Please come back soon! ^_^

Day 03

Day 03-Your views on drugs and alcohol

Just say no. That basically sums it up. High and drunk isn't how we were made to spend our lives, so why go there?

Day 02

Day 02-Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Yikes! I'm not even twenty yet, so let's not think about being almost thirty! Honestly, I probably don't think about this kind of thing as much as a lot of girls my age, but I've definitely got some ideas...

*serving in ministry as a career, maybe as a missionary, maybe as an ESL teacher, I really don't know, but I want to be serving
*much more mature in my relationship with Christ
*I'd like to be married and maybe have a couple of little boys running around to love and fuss at.
*not jaded and cynical, but really living with hope and purpose

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Day 01

Day 01-Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

So, I'm guessing it means opposite-gender relationship. In case you haven't gathered as much from previous posts, I am currently single. Quite single. Very. Single. I'm not gonna lie and say I love it 'cause I don't. I really just don't. But I am single for a reason. I could write a lot more on that, but I won't. God's glory is my purpose, not finding Mr. Right.

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

30 Day Challenge

Stole this from my friend Emily Beth's Tumblr and decided to give it a shot. Wish me luck!

A Night in the Life of a Desk Worker

6:51 p.m.

Just threw out Campus Cat. I was on my hands and knees in the Modenian parlor, looking under the couches, when I turned around to see Campus Cat looking at me from the faculty parlor. Softball players looked at me funny when I threw the animal out the door.

7:02 p.m.



7:12 p.m.

It’s very windy...

7:27 p.m.

Watching the UK/Ole Miss game. I’m gonna need my Wildcats to pull this one out. Don’t they know I go to school in Mississippi?

7:32 p.m.

Starting homework...joy... We’ll see how long this lasts.



8:00 p.m.

Emily Beth has come to visit and to mock my pain as I watch the Cats lose by ONE POINT to Ole Miss.

8:24 p.m.

Emily Beth has deserted me, but Acey and Chelsea (henceforth refered to as Chacey) are hangin’ around now, as well as John and Allison (Jollison?). Allison bought sticky lizards, which she is sharing. I’ve got a green one hanging from my computer screen. Acey is not interested because he can’t eat them.

I’m being educated on the wonders of Sea Monkeys. This is fascinating. I want some.



8:58 p.m.

My roomie and Carmen brought me pizza! ^_^

9:30 p.m.

Harbor and Cyle just left...Cyle squirted me with his water bottle. I am now wet. Thank you so much, Cyle. -_-

10:13 p.m.

Doooooooon’t waaaaaaaaaannaaaaa dooooooo Greeeeeeeeek hoooooomework. >_<

10:17 p.m.

Snarky Softballer: Who won the basketball game?
Me: *glare* [mutter] Stupid Rebels...[/mutter]

10:40 p.m.

Greek homework...'s gonna take me εις τον αιώνα...

11:38 p.m.

Twenty-two more minutes... Soooo sleeeeeepy...
Homework accomplished! ^_^

11:53 p.m.

Almost finished. A rather uninteresting night. Maybe I'll do this again when something worthwhile happens. Then again, it's a rather boring job. But it is a job. =]

Sketchy-ness

I've been in this creative mood the past couple of days. Yesterday and this afternoon, I was struck with the writing bug, and this evening, it's been drawing. Go figure. This is what came out of it. I am kind of sorry it's on notebook paper...

This is one of my favorite places in the world, Pickwick Lake. <3

Don't Tell Me That

This post may sound like a bit of a rant. It's not really meant to be that or any sort of attack, but this thought has been bouncing around in my head for a couple of days, and I figured I should set it free.

It kind of started with the Taylor Swift song, "Forever and Always." (This is odd in and of itself because I detest country music, and have never really listened to Taylor Swift in the past. However, I've been on a new music kick lately, and she's found her way into my iTunes library...but, I digress.) A section of the lyric goes like this:

Once upon a time
I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye.
We caught onto something.
I hold on to the night
You looked me in the eye and told me you loved me.
Were you just kidding?
'Cause it seems to me
This thing is breaking down.
We almost never speak.
I don’t feel welcome anymore.
Baby what happened? Please tell me
'Cause one second it was perfect and now you’re halfway out the door.
And I stare at the phone and he still hasn’t called
And you feel so low you can’t feel nothin' at all
And you flash back to when he said forever and always

So, after listening to this song a few times, I got to thinking. Where did the problem start for this couple? Well, he told her he loved her, and she believed him. I guess there's nothing wrong about that, but then he must've started acting shady because she questions his sincerity. Those three words are easy to say, and I think they're over-used. I'm sure you've read about this before, but bear with me.

As a girl, I'ma be real excited the first time those wonderful words come out of my special someone's mouth. But I don't want it to happen right off the bat. Maybe not for a while, honestly. I'll admit, I have limited experience in such relationships, but one thing I've learned is that emotions run high and things said in "the moment" aren't always genuine. And it's not like you're not going to believe him/her (okay, that's going to get really annoying really fast, so since I'm a girl, it's going to say "him" from here on out. Not trying to be sexist or anything; it's just easier. If you want to replace it with "her" in your individual reading, be my guest.) when he tells you he loves you. Here's a note to my future husband: Please don't tell me you love me until you know what it means.

What does it mean to truly love someone? I asked this question in a Facebook status earlier tonight and got a few answers like service, quality time, communication, and encouragement. All these are marks of a healthy relationship. I can't think of any happy couple I know (dating, engaged, or married) that doesn't practice these things.

Love isn't just that squishy feeling. Love is hard. I think we come to realize that as we grow up. I'm not easy to love because I'm a fallen human. I am selfish, I think the world revolves around me, I am insecure, I am vain, I am manipulative, I overanalyze everything, I am impatient, and I am stubborn, just to name a few of my less desirable qualities. If you're going to love me, you're going to have to deal with all those things. Love is not easy. So now tell me, will you love me despite all that? I don't believe you can love a person until you really know them. My mom always told my sister and me that you have to take time to observe before you get into a relationship with someone; you have to see how they react in different situations. Is he sensible? Is he consistent? Is he honest when he makes a mistake?

Possible future husband, before you tell me you love me, show me. You ought to know by now that I'm difficult. If you've decided to pursue me anyway, don't think it's always going to be a joy ride. Don't say it unless you mean it. If you're not willing to listen to me whine, don't tell me you love me. If I don't feel like I can talk to you about anything, don't tell me you love me. If you won't call me on it when I'm out of line, don't tell me you love me. If you're not making a daily effort to be patient, kind, humble, selfless, and considerate, don't tell me you love me-or anyone else for that matter. I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into. Don't feel like this is an attack on you. If I ask it of you, rest assured that I'm giving my all to reciprocate. When I tell you I love you, it will mean I'm trying to grow in all these areas as well. Know that I will listen when you need an ear to hear you whine. Know that I will be there for you to lean on when you're struggling. Know that I will let you know when you overstep your bounds. If we're not willing to do all these things, it's not going to work, so let's save us both the trouble and heartache and don't go there if this doesn't seem feasible.

"Let love be genuine..." Romans 12:9

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

New Year, Old Lessons

I've started a new semester this week, which is a little overwhelming. There was snow (and it is still on the ground, actually) the first part of the week, so we didn't start classes until Wednesday. Spring semester always makes me twitchy for some reason. Though we've really only started winter, thoughts of springtime, sunshine, and flip-flops will start infiltrating my head in the next few weeks. After this semester, I'll be finished with English classes for the rest of my life-an exciting realization. I'm also a working girl this year, working the front desk of my dorm. I'll be looking forward to visits from my friends on the nights I work (hint, hint) as well as getting some homework done (ha-ha).

I am determined to be more focused this semester, more focused on my studies as well as my spiritual life. I'm a little over a year old now, and I've been facing some darkness lately that's spilled over from other areas of my life. I've been back in the States for about a week and a half after my first overseas trip. I learned a lot from the people in our city, and a lot about them. It was an eye-opening experience for sure. Not only that, but it was one of the most challenging. I'm learning an old lesson over and over-my joy and my strength must come from God alone. No human being-no matter how wonderful they are, how spiritual they are, how encouraging they are-can be the source of my happiness. It's so easy to have those friends from whom I draw strength and encouragement and to start relying on them to make me smile. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being with people you love, but when all that falls apart, there's got to be a solid place to stand. So often, I forget this truth and put more effort into my relationships with certain people that I do into my (much more important) relationship with the One who is strength and love and grace and mercy. He is everything I need.

One of the most difficult things I experienced on this trip was losing my Bible. The morning we left our city had already been rough for me spiritually (among other things), and I spent the majority of the plane ride in tears, questioning God's plan in all of it. I was really struggling with some very personal things, and I felt He was not being fair to me. Distracted as I was with my little pity party, I failed to realize that I'd left my Bible on the plane until we'd gotten to our hotel and were preparing to go to lunch. I was already feeling a lot of pressure and stress simply from being tired, but at that moment, I felt I was drowning. It may sound silly, but I felt my Bible was the last thing I had to cling to. Human relationships were falling short of what I needed and God felt so far away. I broke down for fully twenty minutes before I could get myself off the floor and pull together. My Bible felt like the only thing keeping me afloat in all that was trying to draw me in over my head. I know this might sound silly to some. I do realize it's a material possession that is easily replaced, but this particular Bible contained all the notes I'd taken since I got legit. It was like losing my sword, feeling unprepared to go to battle, insufficiently protected against spiritual warfare. This was when I began to see exactly how true it was that I could not go this alone. I could not draw on the people around me; I needed Him so desperately. I'm a hard-headed person, so it often takes something drastic to get my attention. Mission accomplished, God. That's all I have to say about that.

The best part of the trip was getting to share my faith. This country's government has a reputation for being very closed to the gospel, but we were able to share more openly than I'd expected. We had a bit of a scare about a week into our stay, but God was faithful in protecting and comforting all of us, and me personally, despite my lack of faith. He remains faithful and sovereign. Always. Something that struck me was how blind these people are. In some cases, it's tradition or government or some other outside factor, but some have blinded themselves. A common answer to the question of beliefs is "I believe in myself," or "I don't believe anything." Having been raised in a Christian home and environment, I was dumbstruck by these statements. I honestly didn't know what to do with them. They believe nothing? How can you believe nothing? Being that it was Christmas time, we asked our friends about their festivals and shared a lot about our Christmas traditions, which opened the door to share the gospel. Many of them had never heard the Christmas story. As many times as I told the story, I never grew tired of it. I got to be the first to tell why we celebrate Christmas and to share with them that God is not the god of the West or the god or the East or the North or the South, but He is the God of the whole world and all its people.

And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord... 2 Corinthians 4:3-5a


*pray for those blinded by the god of this world
*pray for students starting a new year
*pray for me as I learn (that I would actually learn and apply)